So, what have I been up to since last I addressed you, some umpteen months previous? Well, naturally I've been concentrating on helping the Mayor with his re-election campaign. I realise the UN monitors have been asking questions about Ken's alleged Putin-style ballot-stuffing, not to mention the press hounding him about his apparently-dodgy tax affairs (although I prefer the term 'efficient'), however, answer me this: Is it really worth having me come round and break your legs, kill your pets and then make love to your wife, all because you wanted to exercise your 'democratic right' to vote for another candidate? You fucking pricks. This isn't a democracy. This is fucking London. Vote Ken!

Ahem. As ever you can tell me all about your woeful lives on Twitter. I'm constantly on the thing now as I monitor cyberspace for 'subversives' so pop on over and say hello. I'm still on Facebook as well, although Zuckerberg still owes me a backhander from five years back over some personal data I let him have (not mine, you understand; it was the general public's) and if he doesn't hurry up I'll arrange for a predator drone to take his smug greasy face off.

Dear General Gash,

I wonder, would it be awfully too much to ask if you could condemn the recent statements of trade union leader Len McCluskey regarding a 'summer of civil disobedience' over the Olympic season? Wouldn't it be dreadful if this extravaganza of sport was ruined by a bunch of bolshy union bullies demanding yet more pay while the rest of us just have to tighten our belts in these tough times and get on with it. Think of the little children and their hopes and dreams.

Thanks very much for your time,

Right, well, thanks for that letter Dave. Clearly someone mopped up after you when you shat yourself as a child. Unlike me. In the interests of balance I shan't be condemning the Unions as this is a very crucial time for Ken and myself and we mustn't upset our main source of funding. Rest assured that we enjoy a very cosy relationship with the unions and there shall be no chance of disruption. However, I shall be condemning you for being a time-wasting little turd. Next!

Now, a letter from one Greg 'Lottsa' Hands in the posh part of Fulham...

Dear General Gash,

I was wondering if you would condemn comments made recently by Andy Slaughter, MP for the neighbouring constituency of Hammersmith, regarding my ability to render opinions re: The West Kensington Estate redevelopment? He seems unable to comprehend that some parts of the redevelopment area fall within my constituency, and if I want to voice my opinion that is my right. Even if those opinions amount to no more than hoping that all those dreadful council-tenants are bulldozed out of their homes and then shipped out to a shitty suburb with zero jobs and a crime-rate to make Johannesburg blush.

Many Thanks,

Well, Greg, I could condemn those comments. But I won't because you are a massive bell-end.

Now, who's next for a drubbing? Some tosser calling himself Boris Johnson from Oxford...

Dear General Gash,

Now listen here, you rotter: You still owe nearly five-hundred English pounds for that hatchet job I did on Cameron all those years ago. If it wasn't for me and the brave gamble I so foolishly took you would never have had the chance to even wipe your feet at the entrance to City Hall.

Errare humanum est, facta non verba, integer vitae scelerisque purus. Ita vero: Pay up, shithead!

Invictus maneo!

Sigh. I'm really not in the mood today. Maybe I should just let that idiot Rhodes take over full time. It's not like he does anything else. Ho-hum, I'll just read this letter from someone identifying themselves only as 'Karla'...

FAO General Gash

Please condemn recent comments re: Putin election victory. Also, Syria is A-Ok.

Regards.

Consider it done. Ken's here and he sends his best. Now, this in from some bird called Sandra Fluke from the good ol' USS of A...

Dear General Gash,

It would be super-cool if you could condemn the recent comments by the fat, right-wing, drug-abuzing, self-abuzing tool Rush Limbaugh denouncing me as a slut and a prostitute because I demanded that insurance companies provide contraception, a stance supported by Comrade-General Obama.

I know you're with me on this.

I certainly am with you on this. In fact, come on over to my drum and I'll provide you with all the contraception you like. Did I mention that my penis is extremely long, and covered in many sharp barbs...?

Oh dear, I got rather distracted there. Sorry, I'm on this new medication and the doctor has advised me to stay away from my usual haunts in Soho, King's Cross and Shepherd Market. Time for one last letter from famed gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell...

Please condemn the recent comments made in the press by Cardinal Keith O'Brien regarding gay marriage. Also, if I ever meet you I will attempt to arrest you. I haven't forgotten Basra, even if the press have.

Yours,

Yes, Peter, you're quite right about that Catholic chap. After all, if they come for the gays, what then for the animals? I'm no theologist but I doubt the religion of the inquisition has much time for interspecies romance. And I need my sex, goddamit. My human sex, my chubby prostitutes, all preggo and lactating...

...Jesus, I drifted off again there. Sorry Peter. Oh, and you can try and arrest me, but I'll break your fucking arms. Just like in Basra.

And on that cheery note, I must bid you all goodnight. I'm off down the Ship and Shovel with the campaign team to celebrate a wonderful day canvassing and speaking to the press. And breaking knees. Remember. Vote Ken!